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Things to Do on Valentine's Day: Cheap Date, Marriage Proposal, Polygamy

Column by Fugly SlutDear Fugly,I've been nagging my boyfriend for years to propose and I think it might finally happen this Valentine's Day. We're going to my favorite restaurant in the whole world,...

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Birth Control and Juggernaut Weenus

Column by Fugly SlutDear Fugly,My birth control is discoloring the skin above my upper lip and it looks like I have a mustache. I've tried several different brands, but they all have the same effect....

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Sperminated in Santa Monica

Column by Fugly SlutUm Fug,We need to talk... I had a great time last weekend and I think you are a great, ergh, date. I know things moved a little fast, probably because you were buying me all those...

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Cleanup on Aisle Jizzum

Column by Fugly SlutDear Fugly,I'm looking for an apartment but the shitty economy has left me very poor. I recently read an ad on Craigslist offering a free studio. The only catch is that I would have...

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Beverly Hills Bitch Slapper

Column by Fugly SlutHey Fugly,My boyfriend was texting some skankasaurous, so I grabbed his phone and bitch-slapped him. He then proceeded to beat the shit out of me and drag me out of the car by my...

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Phatty Phobic Boyfriend

Column by Fugly SlutYo Fug-rock,My girlfriend isn't the same person she was when we started dating. She is still nice, kind, funny, and a wild cat in the sack (a real giver, if you know what I mean)...

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Postal for Penis

Column by Fugly SlutHey Fugly,My ex-girlfriend Bette and I broke up a while ago, but since she's a broke-ass ho and we live in San Francisco (which is hecka expensive) she's been unable to find a place...

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Nipple Ring Toss

Column by Fugly SlutDear Fugly,I don't like wearing underwear. Boxers, briefs, they're just not for me. I truly savor the liberation of a freely swinging scrotum, but lately there's been a problem....

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Clash of the Outlandish In-Laws

Column by Fugly SlutDear Fugly,My BF is nice most of the time, but lately he's been going into his "cave." The "cave" is described in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus as a place men retreat to...

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The Fugalicious Lifestyle: Tasty, Tasty!

Column by Fugly SlutDear Fugly,Why is it that everyone is content to get married, buy a house, and squirt out some babies? None of these things sound appealing to me. I want to answer the call of the...

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Halloweenus Asstastic Extravaganza

Column by Fugly SlutDear Fugly,I find Kim Kardashian's ass to be alluring, yet a disgusting blob at the same time. It seems to be attractive under those sexual pencil skirts, but whenever she's at the...

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The Jewel of the Al Capone Clam

Column by Fugly SlutDearest Fugs,Have you been reading the news?! Last month a student from Bangor University found a 400-year-old clam and proclaimed it to be the longest-lived animal known to...

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A Loose Interpretation of Twaticus Maximus

Column by Fugly SlutDear Fugly,I recently started dating a stripper. It has been great because she's gotten me hella props from my homeys. But Fugly, there is a problem. My Mindy is a little loose...

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The Cure for Fisherman's Snatch

Column by Fugly SlutDear Fugly,I started dating a lovely young woman. She's smart, she's beautiful, and she's a wolverine between the sheets. There's just one problem, Fuggles. Her snatch smells like a...

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